Worlds Apart

There is not much to say.

I am updating this because I have been encouraged by someone to update, as it has been over a year since I last wrote anything in this thing. Reminiscing is weird. Every so often I go through old photos, and it always brings up something different. Sometimes I am able to go through the digital flip book of my life with very little emotion actually coming to the surface, and sometimes it brings sadness, because the relationships that I used to hold so dear have changed so much. Sometimes it brings happiness, because the relationships have changed. I perhaps should just be happy that they were ever a part of my life. But that's not how it works. I seem wired to think about the more negative aspects of situations, or rather, maybe I just seem to remember the best aspects of individuals. It takes work to look at the reality of the situation with some sort of objectivity, and at the same time, it takes quite a bit of insight to realize that I may just be making stupid wishes. Some of those relationships were not positive in the least. Some were downright destructive to my health and life.

 It also takes work to understand that that same desire for the past, the idealized memories, could get in the way of my current awesome state of being. It is not hard to remind myself of how incredibly happy I am right now.

 Making new real memories is even more fun than reminiscing over what could have been.

Laughing

I woke up laughing yesterday from a very happy dream. I don't remember what I was laughing at. It was the middle of the night when I woke, so I promptly fell back asleep, otherwise I would have written the dream down. I love when that happens.

I have been smiling and laughing a lot lately. Exponentially more than I was a year ago. So much change in a year. So much anger and sadness...disappointment in life, others and mostly, myself. And now, there is...not a rebirth, or even a reinvention of myself...just change and growth and willingness to try something new. Still wary, though.

Through all this I have had my friends and family. Thanks guys. Life is good.

Ask

Every once in awhile, ask yourself the following questions:

Who am I?
What am I?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
and...Who says so?

Try to answer them in the moment, with the first thing that comes to mind. It's an interesting practice. Maybe ask yourself every year at your birthday. Write it down. See how your answer to these questions change over the course of time. They might change every day. Indeed, every hour, perhaps.

On some days, these questions ground me and help me re-focus. On others, they throw me into existential crisis mode, and I can barely breathe.

Fall, fall, and I believe them all.

Just taking a moment to note how beautiful the day is. I've been feeling more creative lately. I doubt that will translate into me writing in this thing regularly. By the way, if you wonder at all where most of the posts went, I made them all "drafts," so they are not viewable, though I can see them. You are not missing much. Nothing really important was said. I tried to keep the ones posted that I felt had some kind of substance, things that people could get out of them.

Back to the main point. The gorgeous day. I had a meeting up in downtown Los Angeles today. I've learned to come to terms with the ugliness of LA, the traffic, the sprawling largeness of it all. There are still days that I really get upset about it, but today was just too beautiful. There was good music playing in my car, and the sky was incredibly blue. The air was cold and crisp and made me feel alive. Add to that the backdrop of the buildings of Los Angeles - some gritty and ugly, with graffiti on the sides, while others are shining and clean, clean, clean. It was one of those speechless types of moments. One of those days where I wish I could have been a passenger, able to stare as much as I'd like at the sky and the clouds and the buildings. Ponder on the duality of the world and the contrast between the two types of beauty.

Back when I used to take photos all the time, and was considering becoming a photographer, I was obsessed with trying to capture a moment in time. It was overwhelming. I had no idea how to get my picture to focus on what I really loved about the scene, while still trying to fit the grand, wide-open context into the frame. I often would give up and either totally widen out my frame to try and get EVERYTHING, or I would focus on one tiny, beautiful part. Then, there was also the issue of feeling like I had to record every significant moment, lest it be forgotten. I couldn't even figure out how to record such moments sufficiently, why even bother trying to capture a fraction if it can't even convey what I want? Words, I have no talent for (see me end that with a preposition?). These moments that I'm describing are often too amazing for words, at least for the words that I have. I am frequently overcome with that sense of awe, wonder...the types of emotions that are there to fill in the gaps that other words can't cover. It's not always these visually evocative moments...it's a song at the right time, the perfect pressure of a hug or touch, that inhale of breath that suddenly makes you feel awake and ready to take on whatever may come. If you've never experienced these things, then I'm sorry, I have not the words to explain them. As I said, I'm no good with explanations, I have given up on them.

13th Copa Pacifica

Returning to the blog to write about my experience in the 13th Copa Pacifica. Perhaps this will be the new purpose for this blog...perhaps not. Perhaps I'll just make this blog about all the physical activities that I do and how far I push my body. We'll see where this takes us. On to the Copa...

I'm not sure what time it was...must have been between 3 and 4 p.m. on Saturday, February 20th, because I was watching the black belt super fight with The Boss Lady (TBL) and J, one of our brown belts. TBL asks me, "Are you competing?" Me: No. TBL: Yes you are.

TBL asks someone to bring the women's brackets over, discovers that there's a registered purple belt girl with no one in her division to fight. So, despite the fact that I'm tired from working the tournament all day, that she has some weight on me and that I haven't trained for this tournament, I say, "Alright, fine."

Waited for my gi and undergarments to arrive...and about an hour later...I lose.

But I'm happy with my performance, and I'm going to tell you why.

1. I attempted a throw, an ippon seoi nage. Although I was unsuccessful, I think people could at least tell I was going for that throw.
2. I was sooo close to getting a kimura on this girl!
3. She couldn't pass my guard until the last 10 seconds of sudden death, when she finally passed my guard and won the match (I would have won if I could have kept her in my guard until the end, due to me technically having an advantage).
4. I wasn't winded, so my running has been helping.
5. I've fought her before, and pretty much ran away from her the whole time, figuratively speaking. So when I was able to pull off a couple submission attempts and keep her on her toes, I was really happy.

Thank you to all my coaches and friends who were cheering me on. Thank you to all the people who afterwards congratulated me or sent me messages telling me how well they think I did. Thank you to my opponent who is incredibly tough and a great competitor!

Back to the Beginning

Why did I start this blog to begin with? It was a long time ago. I'd like to find something worthy for this blog to do. I wish I could share insights that I've gained from my work...but that's not legal. I wish I had something important to say, but I feel that there are many more out there that can, and do, do the job much better. I am no artist. I am no poet. I am no writer. I am no eloquent speaker. That much is clear. Perhaps I will have to simply kill this blog, as it is currently doing nothing to make this world better.

Depression is a foul thing.

The past few months have been incredibly difficult. Between trying to maintain a life and job, I feel like I've been through a hurricane. When my Grandpa really started to get sick at the end of September, things became much more difficult. I couldn't concentrate on work, I was neglecting my friends, neglecting my husband... All I could feel was guilt for not doing more...and stress from all my other obligations. Jiu-jitsu seemed to be the only thing that could help me relax...but then my wrist began to be so painful that I had to take a break. My Grandpa's health only got worse, my obligations and duties increased, and now I had no outlet for my stress. I spent 4 (or was it 5?) nights sleeping on the floor at the foot of my Grandpa's hospital bed set up in the family living room, while my Dad slept on the couch. I had to watch my Grandma go through the most difficult event in her life. I had to watch my Grandpa let go of his hold on life in the most dignified and beautiful way that I can imagine. My Grandpa died on November 13, 2008 at 1:20 p.m. I will always remember that because right before I got the news, while I was on a shift for work, I received a text message from Dennis that reminded me how lucky I am to have the friends I have. I was almost relieved when my Grandpa died, I know he was miserable, having his life taken from him, being taken away from his wife. But now, I'm just beginning to come out of the haze...and I'm realizing that I have a lot of pieces to pick up. My Grandpa's death has made me realize that I have a lot of other things that I need to do. Giving attention to the other side of my family, reminding my friends that I still exist and that I love them, paying more attention to Chris. I'm still struggling to deal with my Grandpa's death. I haven't been able to fully process everything...I learned so many things in these last months. I wouldn't say I'm sad that my Grandpa died...I'm certainly sad that he is no longer here, but I also know that he had no regrets in life, and that he was able to fulfill his personal legend. I know he rests in peace. In a way, I wish I were still sleeping on that floor at the foot of his bed...I would have had more time to figure things out, really focus on what I was learning...what he was trying to teach me in the ways that he could. I would give anything for a clue about how to help my Grandma, or to have more patience in my life. More time to figure out if I'm truly happy in my life...am I making progress towards my own goals? My own personal deep down goals? Most of the time I feel fulfilled, but then there are the times, like right now, where I feel like I'm missing something...like I'm wasting time. Except I feel no pull. There is no voice nudging me. I am numb. And it is Christmas Eve. I am happy and sad and angry and hopeless all at the same time.

A little thank you.

Thank you, man who decided to try and rap to me at Sunset and Vine yesterday, because even though I was afraid that you were just going to be incredibly annoying, you were actually nice, even when I said I didn't want your CD.

I read this story...

So, I'll admit it, I read manga. I read all kinds. I just finished reading this one called "Saikano," and it's about a boy and his girlfriend who is the ultimate weapon. It's a messed up story. The author wrote this at the end:

Chise and Shuji are not happy, but they are not unhappy, either. No one is right, but no one is wrong, either. There is no hope, but there are memories and there may be a future.

I bring this up not because I think you should read it...it's a weird story, very sad, very lovey-dovey at times. I think I bring it up because I hope one day I'm able to say that I'm comfortable with that quote...that I can read it without freaking out.

Being Grateful, and the Power of Luck

Last night my Mom took me out to dinner to celebrate my graduation, because I was supposed to be up in Berkeley this weekend walking in a cap and gown, but didn't. She got me all these gifts, and so did my Grandpa, and I felt so awkward. I finally realized what it was, and I turned to my Mom and said, "Couldn't've done it without you." My Mom replied with a sarcastic, "Oh yeah, because I did all the work." The complexity of human relationships fascinates me...and ultimately makes me ridiculously happy. In this example, I've just realized that reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams couldn't have been achieved as easily as they were without the help of my Mom, who has supported me not only financially, but emotionally as well. In this situation, I feel kind of awkward accepting all the congratulations, because I don't really know if I could've done it all without the help of my Mom, and numerous other people as well. On the other hand, my Mom is just happy and proud that her only daughter has been able to finish school; that her daughter set a goal and achieved it. For a Parent, there's probably not too many other feats that make a parent feel so fulfilled. I'm sorry...I don't really know where I'm going with this.

I guess I'm just really grateful. Not just because of my Mom, but my Dad, Chris, all my Grandparents, all my friends who stood by my side when I left theirs, all my friends up North who helped me feel comfortable in my own skin.

I've heard that in order to take advantage of Luck you need to be able to put yourself in the position where you can be offered Luck. Right now, I'm just feeling great, and I'm not sure that I actually had anything to do with it.

In any case...it's time to finish this nonsense...thank you everybody who helped me, I love you, you make my life worth living. Sorry if this was weird and confusing.

Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit"

This video just made me cry. Her eyes look so sad...and her voice is so heavy.

I remember the first time I ever heard this song...it continues to give me goose bumps every time I hear it. If you've never heard it, I hope you listen to it and appreciate it.

Peace and safety.

I dunno why...

...but this quote speaks to me:

My aid alone had never seemed to him in the category of help. The reason for this occurred to me as the procession moved slowly across the brilliant foyer to the doors; Phineas had thought of me as an extension of himself.

- from A Separate Peace by John Knowles

Factitious Disorder

Factitious Disorder (From the DSM-IV-TR)

Introduction

The essential feature of Factitious Disorder is the intentional production of physical or psychological signs or symptoms (Criterion A). The presentation may include fabrication of subjective complaints (e.g., complaints of acute abdominal pain in the absence of any such pain), falsification of objective signs (e.g., manipulating a thermometer to create the illusion of fever), self-inflicted conditions (e.g., the production of abscesses by injection of saliva into the skin), exaggeration or exacerbation of preexisting general medical conditions (e.g., feigning of a grand mal seizure by an individual with a previous history of seizure disorder), or any combination or variation of these. The motivation for the behavior is to assume the sick role (Criterion B). External incentives for the behavior (e.g., economic gain, avoiding legal responsibility, or improving physical well-being, as in Malingering) are absent (Criterion C).

Individuals with Factitious Disorder usually present their history with dramatic flair, but are extremely vague and inconsistent when questioned in greater detail. They may engage in pathological lying, in a manner that is intriguing to the listener, about any aspect of their history or symptoms (i.e., pseudologia fantastica). They often have extensive knowledge of medical terminology and hospital routines. Complaints of pain and requests for analgesics are very common. After an extensive workup of their initial chief complaints has proved negative, they often complain of other physical or psychological problems and produce more factitious symptoms. Individuals with this disorder may eagerly undergo multiple invasive procedures and operations. While in the hospital, they usually have few visitors. Eventually, a point may be reached at which the factitious nature of the individual's symptoms is revealed (e.g., the person is recognized by someone who encountered the patient during a previous admission; other hospitals confirm multiple prior hospitalizations for factitious symptomatology). When confronted with evidence that their symptoms are factitious, individuals with this disorder usually deny the allegations or rapidly discharge themselves against medical advice. Sometimes, they will be admitted to another hospital soon after. Their repeated hospitalizations may take them to numerous cities, states, and countries.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find this disorder really fascinating, mostly because I don't know how you would actually determine that someone's pain is not real. I find it very difficult to even explain my pain. When I went to the doctor for my foot, they asked me to rank my pain on a scale of 1-10, but that obviously had a physical sign of pain. They ask this same question when you go to psychologist, you rate your psychological pain on a scale. But how do you tell someone that they aren't really feeling a 9, but instead a 2?

You are disordered because you do not have a disorder, in a very simplistic way of explaining it. Catch-22, eh?

I also find it slightly humorous. What's worse than having a disorder? Having a factitious disorder. Also, good thing we have the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, otherwise everyone would have this disorder. In fact, I'm going to say it. You all have factitious disorder. See, humorous.

I dunno, what do you people think about this? Lemme know, please.

Content

I was walking home this morning after I took one of my midterms and I saw a school-bus. I kind of just instinctively watch school buses as they pass by - there's always the possibility that I could recognize one of the faces on the bus, and this morning, I did! I saw the little girl's face go into shock with recognition (I could see her mouth 'Ashley!'), and then excitement, as she smiled and began to wildy wave at me. It made me very happy about what I do, and I realized that I am going to miss these children immensely when I go back to Southern California. A few weekends ago, on my birthday, I was walking down Telegraph when I saw a child that was around the right height and had the head shape of a child that I knew. Sure enough, it was him! He was so sweet...he excitedly exclaimed, 'Ashley!' and then gave me a big hug. I truly love that feeling. A child that I'm not even related to is that excited to see me, and gives me a hug. I had to work really hard to be accepted by the children that I work with, and it was worth every single ounce of frustration and tears.

Haven't fallen on my face in awhile.

I was enjoying the beautiful day with my wonderful smoothie from Jamba Juice. Just staring up at the Campanile, the bust of Lincoln at the base, the blue sky behind it, when I trip on the stairs and totally fall on my face. Somehow, I didn't spill my smoothie. I laughed. Looked around. Got back up and sat down on a bench so that I could stare at the Campanile and the sky in safety.

The end. I am silly.

The Ideal Western Trip

The only additions I would want to make would be to add in Tahoe, which is in the Western corner of Nevada, kinda close to Carson city, I believe. Also, I would have to add in Yellowstone, which is in the upper green corner of Wyoming. There's a couple places on this map that are only important if I can find someone to come with me who wants to go snowboarding, because otherwise I don't have much interest in going to Utah (unless if we went to one of the awesome parks there), or Tahoe, or Colorado (which I put as Denver because I knew it was in Colorado...). All the other places are places that I really want to see. If someone wants to go with me there are several additions that can be made as well. I'd love to go into Canada if someone were interested. I'll be incredibly indebted to whoever (whomever, whatever...) wants to come with me, so of course I'd be willing to go wherever they want to go.

If you'll notice it's in one big circle, for the most part... Also, I was just kinda thinking that this would be a car roadtrip, however, if someone wants to go by train I'd be down for that too...I'm just not that certain of the train systems, but I think it'd be worthwhile to see all the scenery. Train would be more complicated if we throw snowboarding into the mix, though. As far as the car goes...that's a little dependent on whether or not I get a new car next year, or if someone has a reliable car.

So...yeah...someone come with me!! Please? Don't forget...I'll do whatever you want if you come with me!!

Art Wrestling - Musee D'Orsay, Paris

Rialto Bride, Venice 

Pretty Eiffel Tower and the Seine

Notre Dame