Depression is a foul thing.

The past few months have been incredibly difficult. Between trying to maintain a life and job, I feel like I've been through a hurricane. When my Grandpa really started to get sick at the end of September, things became much more difficult. I couldn't concentrate on work, I was neglecting my friends, neglecting my husband... All I could feel was guilt for not doing more...and stress from all my other obligations. Jiu-jitsu seemed to be the only thing that could help me relax...but then my wrist began to be so painful that I had to take a break. My Grandpa's health only got worse, my obligations and duties increased, and now I had no outlet for my stress. I spent 4 (or was it 5?) nights sleeping on the floor at the foot of my Grandpa's hospital bed set up in the family living room, while my Dad slept on the couch. I had to watch my Grandma go through the most difficult event in her life. I had to watch my Grandpa let go of his hold on life in the most dignified and beautiful way that I can imagine. My Grandpa died on November 13, 2008 at 1:20 p.m. I will always remember that because right before I got the news, while I was on a shift for work, I received a text message from Dennis that reminded me how lucky I am to have the friends I have. I was almost relieved when my Grandpa died, I know he was miserable, having his life taken from him, being taken away from his wife. But now, I'm just beginning to come out of the haze...and I'm realizing that I have a lot of pieces to pick up. My Grandpa's death has made me realize that I have a lot of other things that I need to do. Giving attention to the other side of my family, reminding my friends that I still exist and that I love them, paying more attention to Chris. I'm still struggling to deal with my Grandpa's death. I haven't been able to fully process everything...I learned so many things in these last months. I wouldn't say I'm sad that my Grandpa died...I'm certainly sad that he is no longer here, but I also know that he had no regrets in life, and that he was able to fulfill his personal legend. I know he rests in peace. In a way, I wish I were still sleeping on that floor at the foot of his bed...I would have had more time to figure things out, really focus on what I was learning...what he was trying to teach me in the ways that he could. I would give anything for a clue about how to help my Grandma, or to have more patience in my life. More time to figure out if I'm truly happy in my life...am I making progress towards my own goals? My own personal deep down goals? Most of the time I feel fulfilled, but then there are the times, like right now, where I feel like I'm missing something...like I'm wasting time. Except I feel no pull. There is no voice nudging me. I am numb. And it is Christmas Eve. I am happy and sad and angry and hopeless all at the same time.

A little thank you.

Thank you, man who decided to try and rap to me at Sunset and Vine yesterday, because even though I was afraid that you were just going to be incredibly annoying, you were actually nice, even when I said I didn't want your CD.

I read this story...

So, I'll admit it, I read manga. I read all kinds. I just finished reading this one called "Saikano," and it's about a boy and his girlfriend who is the ultimate weapon. It's a messed up story. The author wrote this at the end:

Chise and Shuji are not happy, but they are not unhappy, either. No one is right, but no one is wrong, either. There is no hope, but there are memories and there may be a future.

I bring this up not because I think you should read it...it's a weird story, very sad, very lovey-dovey at times. I think I bring it up because I hope one day I'm able to say that I'm comfortable with that quote...that I can read it without freaking out.

Being Grateful, and the Power of Luck

Last night my Mom took me out to dinner to celebrate my graduation, because I was supposed to be up in Berkeley this weekend walking in a cap and gown, but didn't. She got me all these gifts, and so did my Grandpa, and I felt so awkward. I finally realized what it was, and I turned to my Mom and said, "Couldn't've done it without you." My Mom replied with a sarcastic, "Oh yeah, because I did all the work." The complexity of human relationships fascinates me...and ultimately makes me ridiculously happy. In this example, I've just realized that reaching my goals and fulfilling my dreams couldn't have been achieved as easily as they were without the help of my Mom, who has supported me not only financially, but emotionally as well. In this situation, I feel kind of awkward accepting all the congratulations, because I don't really know if I could've done it all without the help of my Mom, and numerous other people as well. On the other hand, my Mom is just happy and proud that her only daughter has been able to finish school; that her daughter set a goal and achieved it. For a Parent, there's probably not too many other feats that make a parent feel so fulfilled. I'm sorry...I don't really know where I'm going with this.

I guess I'm just really grateful. Not just because of my Mom, but my Dad, Chris, all my Grandparents, all my friends who stood by my side when I left theirs, all my friends up North who helped me feel comfortable in my own skin.

I've heard that in order to take advantage of Luck you need to be able to put yourself in the position where you can be offered Luck. Right now, I'm just feeling great, and I'm not sure that I actually had anything to do with it.

In any case...it's time to finish this nonsense...thank you everybody who helped me, I love you, you make my life worth living. Sorry if this was weird and confusing.

Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit"

This video just made me cry. Her eyes look so sad...and her voice is so heavy.

I remember the first time I ever heard this song...it continues to give me goose bumps every time I hear it. If you've never heard it, I hope you listen to it and appreciate it.

Peace and safety.

I dunno why...

...but this quote speaks to me:

My aid alone had never seemed to him in the category of help. The reason for this occurred to me as the procession moved slowly across the brilliant foyer to the doors; Phineas had thought of me as an extension of himself.

- from A Separate Peace by John Knowles