I woke up laughing yesterday from a very happy dream. I don't remember what I was laughing at. It was the middle of the night when I woke, so I promptly fell back asleep, otherwise I would have written the dream down. I love when that happens.
I have been smiling and laughing a lot lately. Exponentially more than I was a year ago. So much change in a year. So much anger and sadness...disappointment in life, others and mostly, myself. And now, there is...not a rebirth, or even a reinvention of myself...just change and growth and willingness to try something new. Still wary, though.
Through all this I have had my friends and family. Thanks guys. Life is good.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Ask
Every once in awhile, ask yourself the following questions:
Who am I?
What am I?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
and...Who says so?
Try to answer them in the moment, with the first thing that comes to mind. It's an interesting practice. Maybe ask yourself every year at your birthday. Write it down. See how your answer to these questions change over the course of time. They might change every day. Indeed, every hour, perhaps.
On some days, these questions ground me and help me re-focus. On others, they throw me into existential crisis mode, and I can barely breathe.
Who am I?
What am I?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
and...Who says so?
Try to answer them in the moment, with the first thing that comes to mind. It's an interesting practice. Maybe ask yourself every year at your birthday. Write it down. See how your answer to these questions change over the course of time. They might change every day. Indeed, every hour, perhaps.
On some days, these questions ground me and help me re-focus. On others, they throw me into existential crisis mode, and I can barely breathe.
Friday, April 08, 2011
Fall, fall, and I believe them all.
Just taking a moment to note how beautiful the day is. I've been feeling more creative lately. I doubt that will translate into me writing in this thing regularly. By the way, if you wonder at all where most of the posts went, I made them all "drafts," so they are not viewable, though I can see them. You are not missing much. Nothing really important was said. I tried to keep the ones posted that I felt had some kind of substance, things that people could get out of them.
Back to the main point. The gorgeous day. I had a meeting up in downtown Los Angeles today. I've learned to come to terms with the ugliness of LA, the traffic, the sprawling largeness of it all. There are still days that I really get upset about it, but today was just too beautiful. There was good music playing in my car, and the sky was incredibly blue. The air was cold and crisp and made me feel alive. Add to that the backdrop of the buildings of Los Angeles - some gritty and ugly, with graffiti on the sides, while others are shining and clean, clean, clean. It was one of those speechless types of moments. One of those days where I wish I could have been a passenger, able to stare as much as I'd like at the sky and the clouds and the buildings. Ponder on the duality of the world and the contrast between the two types of beauty.
Back when I used to take photos all the time, and was considering becoming a photographer, I was obsessed with trying to capture a moment in time. It was overwhelming. I had no idea how to get my picture to focus on what I really loved about the scene, while still trying to fit the grand, wide-open context into the frame. I often would give up and either totally widen out my frame to try and get EVERYTHING, or I would focus on one tiny, beautiful part. Then, there was also the issue of feeling like I had to record every significant moment, lest it be forgotten. I couldn't even figure out how to record such moments sufficiently, why even bother trying to capture a fraction if it can't even convey what I want? Words, I have no talent for (see me end that with a preposition?). These moments that I'm describing are often too amazing for words, at least for the words that I have. I am frequently overcome with that sense of awe, wonder...the types of emotions that are there to fill in the gaps that other words can't cover. It's not always these visually evocative moments...it's a song at the right time, the perfect pressure of a hug or touch, that inhale of breath that suddenly makes you feel awake and ready to take on whatever may come. If you've never experienced these things, then I'm sorry, I have not the words to explain them. As I said, I'm no good with explanations, I have given up on them.
Back to the main point. The gorgeous day. I had a meeting up in downtown Los Angeles today. I've learned to come to terms with the ugliness of LA, the traffic, the sprawling largeness of it all. There are still days that I really get upset about it, but today was just too beautiful. There was good music playing in my car, and the sky was incredibly blue. The air was cold and crisp and made me feel alive. Add to that the backdrop of the buildings of Los Angeles - some gritty and ugly, with graffiti on the sides, while others are shining and clean, clean, clean. It was one of those speechless types of moments. One of those days where I wish I could have been a passenger, able to stare as much as I'd like at the sky and the clouds and the buildings. Ponder on the duality of the world and the contrast between the two types of beauty.
Back when I used to take photos all the time, and was considering becoming a photographer, I was obsessed with trying to capture a moment in time. It was overwhelming. I had no idea how to get my picture to focus on what I really loved about the scene, while still trying to fit the grand, wide-open context into the frame. I often would give up and either totally widen out my frame to try and get EVERYTHING, or I would focus on one tiny, beautiful part. Then, there was also the issue of feeling like I had to record every significant moment, lest it be forgotten. I couldn't even figure out how to record such moments sufficiently, why even bother trying to capture a fraction if it can't even convey what I want? Words, I have no talent for (see me end that with a preposition?). These moments that I'm describing are often too amazing for words, at least for the words that I have. I am frequently overcome with that sense of awe, wonder...the types of emotions that are there to fill in the gaps that other words can't cover. It's not always these visually evocative moments...it's a song at the right time, the perfect pressure of a hug or touch, that inhale of breath that suddenly makes you feel awake and ready to take on whatever may come. If you've never experienced these things, then I'm sorry, I have not the words to explain them. As I said, I'm no good with explanations, I have given up on them.
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